


Words We Don't Say

by naughty_sock



Category: Killjoys (TV)
Genre: Hopeful Ending, Idiots in Love, Lack of Communication, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-11 12:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15972746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naughty_sock/pseuds/naughty_sock
Summary: "There's nothing to talk about, D'avin. I told you we're good. Let's just leave it at that, okay?"It doesn't matter,Johnny told himself as he wrenched on the laces of his boots.It's over and done with, and we can just go on like regular brothers. I'm over it.He nodded to himself.I'm over him. I'm fine.





	Words We Don't Say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pyrrhical (anoyo)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anoyo/gifts).



 

Johnny pulled up his pants and cinched the belt with a bit more force than necessary when the door to his quarters slid open. D'avin stood outside, a hesitant expression on his face.

"Morning," he said awkwardly.

"What can I do for you," Johnny asked as he pulled his shirt on.

D'avin rubbed the back of his neck. "I was wondering, if– we haven't really–" he cleared his throat. "Yesterday, when we talked about me staying and signing on with the RAC, we didn't really talk about..."

"There's nothing to talk about, D'avin. I told you we're good. Let's just leave it at that, okay?"

 _It doesn't matter_ , Johnny told himself as he wrenched on the laces of his boots. _It's over and done with, and_ _we_ _can just go on like regular brothers._ _I'm over it._ He nodded to himself. _I'm over_ him _. I'm fine._

"Right," D'avin said, his head bobbing up and down. "It's just that... I wanted to say..."

Johnny cut him off, with what he hoped was a believable smile. "It's okay. You left. Now, you're back," he said giving his brother a friendly punch to the shoulder.

D'avin winced.

"We're good," Johnny said trying to convince himself as much as his brother. "Don't mess it up with Dutch, and we'll stay that way."

"Right. Yeah. Okay." D'avin said as Johnny walked past him.

"I won't," he called after him, and Johnny really, really wished that he could believe him.

But he knew his brother. He knew him better than he knew himself.

 

* * *

 

 

They made dinner, while Dutch was picking up their next warrant.

"It was nice of you," Johnny said, with a certain air of reluctance. "What you did for the surrogates– for the girls, I mean. Keeping them focused. Keeping them calm. It was good."

D'avin shrugged. "They were doing alright on their own. Fear has a–“ he made an awkward gesture with his knife and frowned as if lost in memory. “It has a way of getting you sidetracked. I just stopped them from getting too deep into their own heads."

Johnny opened his mouth... and closed it again.

Since D'avin had come back, it had become increasingly obvious that he wasn't just looking for _someone_ , but also running away from _something_. He'd heard his brother shout and grunt his way through more than one nightmare, and it killed him a little not being able to help him or at least wake him up.

D'avin was a private man, too concerned with appearing strong to be comfortable with asking for assurance, but the more time passed, the more Johnny thought that D'avin could use someone who pulled him out of his _own_ head.

Not that he would ever admit it.

"The way you did for me when dad lost his cool?" Johnny asked instead.

D'avin's gaze snapped up to his, but he relaxed when Johnny gave him a hesitant smile.

He threw a lettuce leave at him, which Johnny caught and stuffed into his mouth with a grin.

"Had to keep you out of trouble, didn't I?"

Johnny nodded. "Didn't really work though."

D'avin's smile turned rueful. "No. I guess it didn't." He went back to chopping vegetables.

Johnny walked around the table and lightly bumped against his brother's shoulder when he picked up the frying pan. "You did alright."

 

* * *

 

 

"Did Dutch send you?" D'avin asked as he stepped back and allowed Johnny to enter his rooms above the bar.

"Nope."

D'avin looked surprised at that.

It was a good look on him, Johnny decided. It wasn't often that they managed to surprise each other. D'avin sleeping with Dutch certainly hadn't been unexpected.

D'avin attacking Dutch and putting a knife into his little brother's chest on the other hand...

Johnny tried not to feel bitter about any of it. They'd talked after their last job. Not that it had cleared the air between them, but at least he'd managed to say some of the words that had been chocking him, and he could breathe a little easier now.

"How– how's your chest," D'avin asked.

He was still standing with the door in his hand, awkward tension radiating off him in waves.

"Better," Johnny said as he turned around. "Fully healed, actually."

D'avin nodded. "That's good."

He finally closed the door and rubbed his palms against his thighs before crossing his arms. "I'm glad to hear it."

Guilt and shame and relief were written plainly across his face, and Johnny felt himself soften. For all of D'avin's grandstanding, he'd always had a shitty poker face.

"How are things? With you and Dutch I mean?"

Johnny looked away, his gaze straying over the rumbled bed, the clothes that were haphazardly strewn about the floor and furniture. D'avin had always been meticulous with order, not just during his time on Lucy, but all the way back when they'd been kids, and he'd tried to get everything just perfect in a futile attempt to ward off their father's anger.

The state of his room painted a more eloquent picture about how D'avin felt than words ever could.

"I don't want to talk about Dutch right now."

"Okay." D'avin's jaw clenched. "Why are you here then?"

Johnny sighed. "Because I need my brother," he said with a self-deprecating laugh.

D'avin's gaze snapped to him. He opened his mouth, closed it again, and shook his head, obviously at a loss for words.

Johnny rubbed a hand across his close shorn scalp. "Look, I just recovered from some major surgery, and I've had a really shitty day. That doesn't mean that we're okay, but I... fuck it, I really need you right now."

D'avin swallowed heavily, and before Johnny could even finished his sentence, he'd crossed the space between them and pulled Johnny into a crushing hug.

"You've got me," D'avin said, relief and determination evident in his voice. "Listen, I know I messed up. I know I left you behind when I joined–"

Johnny stopped him. "I missed you," he said across his brother's shoulder. "I _still_ miss you. And you can't make it alright, just with words, D'avin. That's not how this is going to work."

D'avin nodded. "I know."

"But you can be there for me right now," Johnny continued as he pulled back to look at his brother's face. "That would be a start."

D'avin cupped his face in his large hands and pressed a long, hard kiss to Johnny's mouth. "I can do that," he finally said. "You've got me,” he repeated. "And I swear, you'll always have me."

Johnny kissed him again and pulled D'avin's lower lip between his teeth until his brother moaned and his hips ground against him. "Good," he said quietly and pulled him towards the bed. "I will hold you to that."

 


End file.
